There are days when it is a curse, having a heart like mine. Uncertain,
volatile and not always brave. My heart has the capacity to face the world,
but it can also shrink and hide. My heart can be cruel. Tender.
Late at night, sometimes I feel the aches of the world reverberating in my
bones. I cry for those who suffer, those who fold in on themselves, looking
for rest. My hands tremble, wanting to hold and soothe the wrinkle of pain.
It is unbearable, to have a compassion larger than my body, to have a heart
that beats with love.
I am afraid I can’t wait anymore, darling. It’s wearing me down, keeping me
up at night when all I want is for you to say something. Do anything. Quell
this uncertainty. Embrace me and be done with it once and for all.
"I need someone who knows how to stay."
Sometimes I wish I saw things differently with you. I wish for the clarity, the courage that never came. If they did, I would be holding your hand. I would your last thought when you sleep.
Things wouldn’t be like this, with me chasing every memory of you away, wondering what would it be like to kiss you goodnight.
Oh dear boy, if you are reading this, know that I’ve written you more letters than anyone, thought of you a thousand more. I know I couldn’t have you anymore, the moment has passed, the scales have tipped. Now I am only learning to accept that fact. There is a tremendous ache in the act of letting you go, coupled with the uncertainty whether you are the soulmate I’m not supposed to love or the lesson I’m supposed to learn.
What makes this more painful is that I have a gnawing feeling that you are both.
PS. I still don’t know who that poem is for.